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Letters to my exes (dedicated to F)

I don’t know if I should thank you, hate you, or admit that it took me 10 years to get over you…

I’m still not ready to let anyone in, not even after such a long time because I’m afraid… I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again… And I will not have my heart broken like that ever again.

You gave me 7 years, wonderful and not so wonderful years, and I thought that I was the lucky one, that I will be one of those success stories where my first love will also be my last love… And in some ways that is true.. Just not in the romance, happy ever after way…

It was the best of times and it was the worst of times as they say… And I remember it all..

Remember how we used to fight? It was almost therapeutic, the way we screamed, the way we threw things at each other, at the walls… It has been so long since I could be totally crazy like that in front of anyone. I would scare everyone away… Few have seen me somewhat angry and they are afraid, but you… You were the one that could bring out, and also tame the crazy in me. No one does that, and I hope someone will, because otherwise I might end up driving up to a deserted hill and screaming at the stars, and it’s just not that therapeutic if there is no one to yell with you, or at you.

Remember how we used to walk for hours and talk about everything? No one does that anymore… How do we get to know someone if you don’t talk to them? The small things, the big things and all the things in between…

Remember how you used to hold my hand? I felt so safe…

I don’t know if you remember, but I remember everything and it’s a blessing and a curse… Every moment was a moment that shaped the way I feel about relationships… And I still want it all, the good, the bad, the ugly and the crazy.

Thank you for all that you have given me, but f*** you for making me afraid to love again!

 

 

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