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Letters to my exes (dedicated to L)

I don’t know if this was supposed to be a letter, a story or just some scribbles gathered on a cold December night, when loneliness seemed to be the only thing I can feel.

I thought (foolishly) that the wall I carefully put up 8 years ago will protect me, but it seems that even the strongest barriers fall at one point.

I realized this year that my “cold-hearted bitch” façade is just that, a façade, and that scares me, because I have never been particularly good at controlling my feelings and emotions.

You felt that, me losing my control on a warm summer night, when overcome with a stupid jealousy I wrote to you, wishing you a good life next to a non-existent wife. You told me “You have issues” and you were probably right.

My friends say that I am  fool for giving you so many chances, my mother says I should understand that some aspect of your life are more complicated and that’s why you need space.

Honestly I don’t know what to believe……………………………………………………………….

What I know with certainty is that despite my better judgment, despite my crumbling wall, I fell in love with you… or at least that’s what I believe. It’s been so long since I have allowed myself the possibility to think that, so I’m not sure what my feelings are.

But what I do know with certainty is that my heart breaks a little more every time you refuse to see me, every time you disappear, every time you don’t me over because “your place is a mess”.

Then all of a sudden you appear and I can finally breathe again.

I vividly remember all the moments that brought me here and I wonder if there was ever any chance of me getting away from you or if this was a little test from the Universe, to show me that my wall was just a silly thing, a house made of straw that you can easily blow away.

You’ve been on my mind for more than a year and in my life for the last 8 months.

I remember those first messages we exchanged, how I giggled like a teenage girl, so impressed with you and the way you were.

Fast forward a few months and here you are again, popping up in my life and silly me being polite, answering your messages, but still we didn’t see each other.

Fast forward a couple of months and suddenly it’s May 2015 and you want to see me no matter what, so you come to see a movie with me and my friends and the world seemed a good place finally. And then, that same week we go shopping and we skip like 20 relationship steps and I feel like I’ve known you my whole life and being with you is the most natural thing in the world.

Needless to say, the sex was great. We broke the couch that first night and it was one the best nights of my life!

Keeping up with the intense rhythm of our relationship, that same weekend I celebrated my birthday and you got to meet my sister and my friends and I was floating on clouds, being so happy that everything seemed to fit perfectly. You fitted in with me and my friends but then Sunday came and my little bubble of happiness was busted. You said you were going to go meet some friends and come back to me, but it took you weeks to come back.

I understand your life was complicated, but all I needed was a few messages and reassurances that I can still be part of your life.

So here we are to that summer night when I went crazy and wrote you that message that caused yet another “break”.

Fast forward a couple of months to September when you appeared again, but I was busy getting ready for my high school reunion so I decided to just be polite and keep it friendly, but in October you wanted to see me and somehow I was so spellbound by you that I decided to ignore my instincts and let you back in all over again. That’s when things got interesting… you decided to tell me your real name… You can’t imagine how hurt I was by the fact that while you were busy wowing me, you couldn’t trust me with your real name.

But silly me, I ignored this too, because of what I felt and how I felt with you.

You were honest with me, told me about your ex-fiancé and I wanted everything to be ok, so I was relaxed for a while, we made plans and I was happy.

But then you disappeared again, and I can’t sleep at night when you’re not with me and I’m afraid to tell you I miss you so much sometimes that it gets hard to breathe. With every passing day, I think it’s somehow my fault that you don’t want to see me so I wait, I hope and for now all I want is for you to come home to me, get undressed and sit naked in my bathroom while we shower and talk about our day.

 

*this letter has been written on the 3rd of December 2015

 

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